Have a Sleep Problem with Your Partner?
You do all the right things when it comes to getting a good night’s sleep – stick to a schedule, avoid caffeine, turn off the TV. But what if your partner makes sleeping a nightmare? Even your soul mate might not make the best bedmate. Find out how to get enough shut-eye and save your relationship...
Even if you’re a perfect couple in the daytime, sleep differences with your partner could be keeping you awake at night.
And whether it’s clashing schedules, temperature conflicts or buzzsaw snoring, these bedroom issues can trigger major slumber deficits.
About 23% of married couples in the U.S. deal with those issues by sleeping solo, according to a survey by the National Sleep Foundation. Even more telling: There’s been a steady increase in requests for homes with two master bedrooms since 1990, says a report from the National Association of Home Builders.
Still, most couples would rather put up with their annoying bed partner than sleep alone.
That’s because “those 10 minutes before they fall asleep is the most intimate time they have together all day,” says Paul Rosenblatt, Ph.D., professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota and author of Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Sharing (SUNY Press).
“Sharing a bed can be an important part of feeling close and connected,” he explains.
So before you head for another room, read on for five commonconflicts that keep couples from getting enough sleep. And find out what you can do to snag more shut-eye... together.
Sleep problem #1: Conflicting schedulesOne of you works late and sleeps in; the other’s up before dawn to get to the office early.
So how can a night owl or early riser snooze through a blaring alarm clock and someone who’s barging in the room, turning on lights and making a ruckus?
Sleep solutions: If you’re the early bird, use your mobile phone as an alarm clock.
Set it on vibrate and stash it inside your pillowcase so it alerts you without waking your partner, advises Wendy Troxel, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh’s Sleep Medicine Institute.
Or purchase a vibrating alarm clock like the LARK Silent Alarm Sleep Clock ($99, Brookstone.com or Lark.com) or the Shake ‘n Wake vibrating alarm clock watch (from $13, Amazon.com or Maxiaids.com).
Live with a night owl? Then go to bed early, with enough time to fall asleep before your partner enters the room. You’ll be less likely to be disturbed if you’re in a deeper sleep phase, Troxel says.
Also, use earplugs to block out noise and an eye mask to shield your face from lights, she advises.
And you both should prepare for the next day before you go to sleep. For example, leave the clothes you’ll need in the bathroom or spare bedroom,so you can get dressed without waking your partner.
Sleep problem #2: Temperature troublesSome like it hot, others cold. But if you don’t find a way to compromise on the thermostat, neither you nor your spouse will sleep soundly.
The ideal sleep temperature is 60-68 degrees, according to the National Institutes of Health. Cooler air helps decrease the body’s core temperature, which induces sleep. Anything above or below can cause restlessness or insomnia.
Sleep solutions: If you can’t take the heat, stash a personal-size fan by your side of the bed to help fend off hot flashes, Troxel says.
In the frigid zone? Then cover up with an extra blanket on your side, Rosenblatt advises. It’ll keep you warm without overheating your partner.
Or regulate your body temperature by wearing more – or fewer or lighter – clothes to sleep (for example, try warm flannel pajamas, or skip sleepwear altogether).
Sleep problem #3: A snoring spouse
Two-thirds of people who share a bed say their partner’s snoring cuts nearly an hour of sleep time every night, a National Sleep Foundation survey found.
Sleep solutions: First, consult a doctor, because snoring could be a sign of a more serious health problem.
For example, chronic snorers are more likely to suffer from sleep apnea – a sleep disorder caused when muscles in the back of the throat relax, narrowing the airway and disrupting breathing throughout the night, says Ronald Popper, M.D., sleep specialist at the Southern CaliforniaPulmonary and Sleep Disorders Medical Center.
The result: chronic fatigue and reduced oxygen levels, which can raise the risk for hypertension and heart attack.
“Even if it’s not sleep apnea, allergies, weight gain or even benign throat tumors may be to blame,” Popper says. “And the sooner you seek help, the sooner you and your partner will be sleeping more soundly.”
Here are Popper’s other suggestions to deal with your partner’s unintentional nighttime serenade:
Even if you’re a perfect couple in the daytime, sleep differences with your partner could be keeping you awake at night.
And whether it’s clashing schedules, temperature conflicts or buzzsaw snoring, these bedroom issues can trigger major slumber deficits.
About 23% of married couples in the U.S. deal with those issues by sleeping solo, according to a survey by the National Sleep Foundation. Even more telling: There’s been a steady increase in requests for homes with two master bedrooms since 1990, says a report from the National Association of Home Builders.
Still, most couples would rather put up with their annoying bed partner than sleep alone.
That’s because “those 10 minutes before they fall asleep is the most intimate time they have together all day,” says Paul Rosenblatt, Ph.D., professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota and author of Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Sharing (SUNY Press).
“Sharing a bed can be an important part of feeling close and connected,” he explains.
So before you head for another room, read on for five commonconflicts that keep couples from getting enough sleep. And find out what you can do to snag more shut-eye... together.
Sleep problem #1: Conflicting schedulesOne of you works late and sleeps in; the other’s up before dawn to get to the office early.
So how can a night owl or early riser snooze through a blaring alarm clock and someone who’s barging in the room, turning on lights and making a ruckus?
Sleep solutions: If you’re the early bird, use your mobile phone as an alarm clock.
Set it on vibrate and stash it inside your pillowcase so it alerts you without waking your partner, advises Wendy Troxel, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh’s Sleep Medicine Institute.
Or purchase a vibrating alarm clock like the LARK Silent Alarm Sleep Clock ($99, Brookstone.com or Lark.com) or the Shake ‘n Wake vibrating alarm clock watch (from $13, Amazon.com or Maxiaids.com).
Live with a night owl? Then go to bed early, with enough time to fall asleep before your partner enters the room. You’ll be less likely to be disturbed if you’re in a deeper sleep phase, Troxel says.
Also, use earplugs to block out noise and an eye mask to shield your face from lights, she advises.
And you both should prepare for the next day before you go to sleep. For example, leave the clothes you’ll need in the bathroom or spare bedroom,so you can get dressed without waking your partner.
Sleep problem #2: Temperature troublesSome like it hot, others cold. But if you don’t find a way to compromise on the thermostat, neither you nor your spouse will sleep soundly.
The ideal sleep temperature is 60-68 degrees, according to the National Institutes of Health. Cooler air helps decrease the body’s core temperature, which induces sleep. Anything above or below can cause restlessness or insomnia.
Sleep solutions: If you can’t take the heat, stash a personal-size fan by your side of the bed to help fend off hot flashes, Troxel says.
In the frigid zone? Then cover up with an extra blanket on your side, Rosenblatt advises. It’ll keep you warm without overheating your partner.
Or regulate your body temperature by wearing more – or fewer or lighter – clothes to sleep (for example, try warm flannel pajamas, or skip sleepwear altogether).
Sleep problem #3: A snoring spouse
Two-thirds of people who share a bed say their partner’s snoring cuts nearly an hour of sleep time every night, a National Sleep Foundation survey found.
Sleep solutions: First, consult a doctor, because snoring could be a sign of a more serious health problem.
For example, chronic snorers are more likely to suffer from sleep apnea – a sleep disorder caused when muscles in the back of the throat relax, narrowing the airway and disrupting breathing throughout the night, says Ronald Popper, M.D., sleep specialist at the Southern CaliforniaPulmonary and Sleep Disorders Medical Center.
The result: chronic fatigue and reduced oxygen levels, which can raise the risk for hypertension and heart attack.
“Even if it’s not sleep apnea, allergies, weight gain or even benign throat tumors may be to blame,” Popper says. “And the sooner you seek help, the sooner you and your partner will be sleeping more soundly.”
Here are Popper’s other suggestions to deal with your partner’s unintentional nighttime serenade:
- Try earplugs to drown out the racket. Soft foam or moldable silicone plugs conform to the shape of the outer ear canal. Bonus: They’re cheap.
- Make sure your partner uses an elevated pillow and avoids sleeping on his back. “Gravity makes throat tissues fall down toward the bed, obstructing the airways and making you more likely to snore,” Popper says.
- Use nasal strips. “The strips are designed to help open your nose more completely, which helps you breathe better while you sleep,” he says.
- Ask your dentist about appliances that fit into the mouth and can hold the tongue down to help prevent vibration.
“Listening to talk radio or a TV show is stimulating and distracting,” Troxel says.
It certainly won’t help either of you get a good night’s rest, says Mathias Basner, M.D., assistant professor of sleep and chronobiology at the University of Pennsylvania and author of a 2009 sleep study.
Watching TV before bed is a top sleep-stealer, Basner’s study found.
“Instead of retiring early to get sufficient sleep, people tend to keep watching until the end of their favorite show or the news,” Basner explains.
That disrupts your body’s natural sleep mechanisms, he says. The TV’s artificial light may suppress the release of the sleep-promoting hormone melatonin and shift circadian rhythms to a later hour, making it difficult to nod off.
Same goes for other tech toys like laptops, iPads, e-readers or smart phones. Yet about 95% of the participants in the NSF’s 2011 Sleep inAmerica poll admitted to surfing the Internet, texting or watching TV in the hour before bed.
Sleep solutions: The best solution: Banish TV, Internet and tech games for at least an hour before bedtime, and keep all entertainment and work devices out of the bedroom.
Your bedroom should be a respite from all the other stress and craziness in your life, Popper says. Make it a sleep- and sex-only zone, because bringing in work and other activities can make it harder to wind down.
If you read before bed, use a book light. It’s powerful enough to illuminate the page without bothering your partner. With tablet computers or other e-readers, keep them dimly lit for your benefit as well as your partner’s.
Too noisy? Try a white noise machine, which produces a gentle hiss that helps block background noise without disturbing sleep.
These devices may help you fall asleep more quickly and reduce the number of times you wake up during the night, according to a 2007 study published in the journal Sleep and Hypnosis.
You can buy white noise machines as sleep aids that depict calming sounds of waterfalls, waves and wind to help you doze. Just rememberthat the noise should be tranquil, like a rushing river or rain, Troxel says. Or try a fan, air conditioner, humidifier or anything else that drones continuously, she suggests.
Sleep problem #5: A restless mateDoes your partner go bump in the night repeatedly? About a third of people report that flailing and flopping bedmates have the biggest impact on their sleep quality, the NSF survey shows.
One cause might be a neurological disorder called restless legs syndrome. RLS is characterized by tingling sensations and an uncontrollable urge to move one’s legs.
It affects roughly 5%-10% of the population – women are slightly more likely to suffer – and causes insomnia, impaired functioning during the day and reduced quality of life.
Its exact causes are unknown, but an imbalance of the brain chemical dopamine might trigger it, Popper says. Hormonal changes during pregnancy may also spur or worsen RLS, but should disappear after delivery. (To learn more about restless legs syndrome, visit our RLS Health Center.)
Sleep solutions: Nix cigarettes completely and avoid alcohol and caffeine before bed. They’re stimulants, activating muscles and making you more likely to twitch, Popper explains.
A warm bath and massaging your legs can help muscles relax. Exercise can also help relieve symptoms, but don’t overdo it. Working out too latein the day or too intensely may worsen your symptoms, Popper warns.
Another, perhaps costly option: Consider upgrading to a larger mattress. The extra leg room may save your partner from getting kicked in the night.
In more serious cases, iron supplements, anti-seizure medications and muscle relaxants may treat RLS. Seek a doctor’s care if symptoms occur regularly.
Sleep problem #6: A marital spatWomen in unhappy marriages are more likely to suffer from insomnia than those who are happily paired, Troxel says.
Sleep solutions: Communication is important to a healthy marriage, so express what’s bothering you – both inside and outside the bedroom, Troxel advises.
“Be direct, stay in the present (for example, avoid statements such as ‘always’ or ‘never’), and use ‘I’ statements to express feelings and opinions, rather than making accusations or judgments,” she says.
Also, avoid going to bed angry. If an argument arises close to bedtime, try to find a solution, she says. If that’s not possible, agree to delay the discussion until the following day, when you’re both better rested and able to negotiate more effectively.
Lack of sleep can lead to irritability, along with poor communication and problem-solving skills, Troxel says.
Keep in mind that conflict can be a healthy part of any relationship as long as it’s dealt with properly, she adds.
At the end of the day, it’s about compromise, she says. If each partner iswilling to meet the other halfway, you’re likely to have more restful days and nights ahead of you.
By Kelly Mickle, Special to Lifescript
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