6 Reasons You're Not in the Mood
Something’s missing. No, not the keys - your sex drive! Read on to find out why you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling and learn tips to get it back. Plus, test your libido smarts with our quiz...
You remember having a sex drive once. But lately, you need a GPS tracker to locate it.
You’re not alone.
About one-third of American women experience some type of hypoactive (underactive) sexual disorder – otherwise known as “I’m not in the mood tonight.”
Here are solutions to 6 common libido zappers:
1. You’re stressed. It would take a small army of clowns to match what one working mom juggles every day. But as any veteran multitasker knows, the more balls you’ve got in the air, the more stressed you become.
And when you start looking for items to scrap from your to-do list, sex is often the first to go.
You remember having a sex drive once. But lately, you need a GPS tracker to locate it.
You’re not alone.
About one-third of American women experience some type of hypoactive (underactive) sexual disorder – otherwise known as “I’m not in the mood tonight.”
Here are solutions to 6 common libido zappers:
1. You’re stressed. It would take a small army of clowns to match what one working mom juggles every day. But as any veteran multitasker knows, the more balls you’ve got in the air, the more stressed you become.
And when you start looking for items to scrap from your to-do list, sex is often the first to go.
“Women can do many things at once, which works to our advantage work-wise and life-wise, but it does make things hard sexually,” says Chicago sex and relationship therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., author of Passion Prescription (Hyperion).
“Most women find themselves putting the kids to bed, cleaning up the kitchen and making lunch for the next day, and the last thing they feel like doing is having sex,” Berman says.
What can help?Ask your partner to take over some chores. If he can take a little off your plate, you can relax. And that means you’re “better able to respond sexually,” she says.
2. You’re using hormone-based contraceptives.This is a cruel irony: The kinds of birth control meant to inspire free-spirited nookie (i.e. pills, patches, rings and injections) lower testosterone levels. For some women, that depresses libido.
“Most women find themselves putting the kids to bed, cleaning up the kitchen and making lunch for the next day, and the last thing they feel like doing is having sex,” Berman says.
What can help?Ask your partner to take over some chores. If he can take a little off your plate, you can relax. And that means you’re “better able to respond sexually,” she says.
2. You’re using hormone-based contraceptives.This is a cruel irony: The kinds of birth control meant to inspire free-spirited nookie (i.e. pills, patches, rings and injections) lower testosterone levels. For some women, that depresses libido.
What can help?
Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressants can blunt desire to such a degree that men often take them to remedy premature ejaculation, according to sex researcher Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., co-author of The Science of Orgasm (Johns Hopkins University Press).
Talk to your gynecologist about swapping brands. Birth control pills contain estrogen and various types of synthetic progesterone called progestin.
In some pills, the progestin behaves more like testosterone and can actually increase libido, says Mary Jane Minkin, M.D., clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Yale University School of Medicine in New Haven, Conn.
Or opt for a barrier method (diaphragm, cervical cap, condoms or IUD), which won't affect sex drive.
3. You’re taking medication.Contraceptives aren’t the only drugs that can take the wind out of your sails. Anti-anxiety benzodiazepines, like Valium and Xanax, can also short-circuit your sex drive.
So can beta-blockers taken for high blood pressure and antihistamines, which can dry up your runny nose and vagina.
In some pills, the progestin behaves more like testosterone and can actually increase libido, says Mary Jane Minkin, M.D., clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Yale University School of Medicine in New Haven, Conn.
Or opt for a barrier method (diaphragm, cervical cap, condoms or IUD), which won't affect sex drive.
3. You’re taking medication.Contraceptives aren’t the only drugs that can take the wind out of your sails. Anti-anxiety benzodiazepines, like Valium and Xanax, can also short-circuit your sex drive.
So can beta-blockers taken for high blood pressure and antihistamines, which can dry up your runny nose and vagina.
Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressants can blunt desire to such a degree that men often take them to remedy premature ejaculation, according to sex researcher Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., co-author of The Science of Orgasm (Johns Hopkins University Press).
Try a different beta-blocker or antidepressant.
If you’re feeling good on your SSRIs and your only complaint is that you wish you felt more sexual, talk with your doctor about adjusting your dosage.
Mixing a low dose of another kind of antidepressant, like Wellbutrin, with your SSRI can restore libido, Minkin says.
4. You’re not sleeping well.
According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, women are more than twice as likely as men to have trouble sleeping. And sleeplessness has an enormous impact on desire.
First, not getting enough shut-eye disrupts sex hormones like estrogen and progesterone.
But perhaps more important, missing out on sleep can make you too irritable for sex. And if it’s your hubby’s snoring that’s robbing you of snooze time, you probably feel more like smothering him with a pillow than with kisses.
Indeed, 23% of respondents surveyed for the National Sleep Foundation’s 2005 Sleep in America poll reported that their mate’s sleep habits drove them to sleep elsewhere.
“If you’re battling over sleep, it’s hard to maintain intimacy,” says Gary Zammit, Ph.D., director of the Sleep Disorders Institute at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital in New York.
What can help?Make your bedroom a dark, quiet, sleep-friendly haven. Banish work items, like your BlackBerry or laptop; turn off the TV and invest in a comfortable mattress. Use earplugs and a sleep mask to block out light and noise.
Check your meds to ensure they don’t contain stimulants. Also ask your doctor about a short-term prescription for sleeping pills.
If your partner is keeping you up, talk with him about ways to diminish his snoring (like losing weight and avoiding alcohol in the evening, for example).
“If you’re battling over sleep, it’s hard to maintain intimacy,” says Gary Zammit, Ph.D., director of the Sleep Disorders Institute at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital in New York.
What can help?Make your bedroom a dark, quiet, sleep-friendly haven. Banish work items, like your BlackBerry or laptop; turn off the TV and invest in a comfortable mattress. Use earplugs and a sleep mask to block out light and noise.
Check your meds to ensure they don’t contain stimulants. Also ask your doctor about a short-term prescription for sleeping pills.
If your partner is keeping you up, talk with him about ways to diminish his snoring (like losing weight and avoiding alcohol in the evening, for example).
If all else fails, take him to a sleep specialist.
“When you sleep better and are less irritable, you’re a lot more interested in sex,” Minkin says. That should be good enough incentive for him!
Miller believes that orgasm may cause a slight blip in communication between the brain and bladder.
“The bladder always wants to go to the bathroom, but it doesn’t because there are inhibitory messages sent from the brain to the bladder saying no,” Miller says.
For some women, orgasm may override these messages and, as a result, they release a small amount of urine during sex.
“It only has to happen once or twice for women to become sensitive about this, and that puts a damper on their interest because they don’t want to pee on their partners,” Miller says.
“When you sleep better and are less irritable, you’re a lot more interested in sex,” Minkin says. That should be good enough incentive for him!
5. You have an overactive bladder.About one-third of women with overactive bladders “leak” during intercourse, says Jane Miller, M.D., associate professor of urology at the University of Washington in Seattle. (Check out A Girlfriend's Guide to Bladder Control for more information on this condition.)
Miller believes that orgasm may cause a slight blip in communication between the brain and bladder.
“The bladder always wants to go to the bathroom, but it doesn’t because there are inhibitory messages sent from the brain to the bladder saying no,” Miller says.
For some women, orgasm may override these messages and, as a result, they release a small amount of urine during sex.
“It only has to happen once or twice for women to become sensitive about this, and that puts a damper on their interest because they don’t want to pee on their partners,” Miller says.
What can help?Making a pit stop before sex may reduce the chances of a spill, since involuntary bladder contractions are often triggered by volume, she says.
You can also talk to your doctor about getting a prescription for medications like Detrol or Ditropan, used to treat overactive bladder.
6. You’re in menopause.You lose about 90% of your estrogen – the sex hormone largely responsible for arousal and lubrication – once you hit this milestone.
As levels drop, the vaginal tissue thins and dries out, which can make sex painful enough to make you want to opt out for good. For many women, the drop in estrogen alone explains a dive in libido.
But other aspects of menopause may also leave you feeling unsexy: hot flashes, weight gain, mood swings, apprehension about getting older, and the erratic, heavy menstruation that can occur before your periods stop for good.
Menopause typically occurs around age 51, but some surgeries and chemotherapy can trigger it earlier, which may put even more of a damper on desire.
A recent survey found that women with surgically induced menopause reported higher rates of lowered sex drives (26%) than those who experienced natural menopause (9%).
You can also talk to your doctor about getting a prescription for medications like Detrol or Ditropan, used to treat overactive bladder.
6. You’re in menopause.You lose about 90% of your estrogen – the sex hormone largely responsible for arousal and lubrication – once you hit this milestone.
As levels drop, the vaginal tissue thins and dries out, which can make sex painful enough to make you want to opt out for good. For many women, the drop in estrogen alone explains a dive in libido.
But other aspects of menopause may also leave you feeling unsexy: hot flashes, weight gain, mood swings, apprehension about getting older, and the erratic, heavy menstruation that can occur before your periods stop for good.
Menopause typically occurs around age 51, but some surgeries and chemotherapy can trigger it earlier, which may put even more of a damper on desire.
A recent survey found that women with surgically induced menopause reported higher rates of lowered sex drives (26%) than those who experienced natural menopause (9%).
What can help?Conventional wisdom is “use it or lose it.” Having sex encourages blood flow to the genitals, Minkin says. Generally speaking, the more sex you have, the more you want.
That said, talk to your gynecologist about medications that make sex more comfortable. Ask about topical testosterone, which can increase desire in postmenopausal women, and estrogen-based creams or suppositories, which remedy vaginal dryness.
That said, talk to your gynecologist about medications that make sex more comfortable. Ask about topical testosterone, which can increase desire in postmenopausal women, and estrogen-based creams or suppositories, which remedy vaginal dryness.
By Norine Dworkin-McDaniel, Special to Lifescript
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