More S*cking Advice

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a damn cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick, don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh! If your creative man gets carried away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock, you filthy cock-sucking slut," or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white hot love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases -- but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all-important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle. No matter what he says, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you re a one-night stand, you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done. Just get the fuck out.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it, as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away. 9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying, "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a handjob, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than ten minutes, you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING F! OR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he has ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that *you* are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something! Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it, but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time, don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man, he's probably shagging her, anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past it's sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a piece of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth," makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you -- especially if: a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do youthink I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?"