You Know You Are Drunk When ....

• You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.


• You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.


• You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.


• In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.


• You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.


• You start crying.


• There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.


• You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.


• The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.


• The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.


• You've forgotten where you live.


• You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.


• You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.


• You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.


• You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."


• You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.


• Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.


• You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).


• You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to. (which of course I can do anyway).